Betty Auchard is the author of Dancing in my Nightgown, The Rhythms of Widowhood, 2005. Her book is a memoir of short stories that chronicle her growing autonomy in the aftermath of her husband’s death from cancer.
Her newest book, The Home for the Friendless, Finding hope, Love, and Family, is due out this fall.
Betty shares her insights on widowhood in this interview.
LitCraft: Why did you start writing?
“I have no idea. I had to figure it out. And I was obsessed with writing. I wrote on junk. It would be an envelope. I felt like I was talking to paper. Grievers have to talk, because it’s the only way you can wrap yourself around what has happened. Writing was very personal. It was just for me. It validated that I was here.”
Every little thing, nothing seemed the same – even loading the dishwasher. Sometimes my street looked different. Only someone who has lost a life partner would know. I felt like an alien.
LitCraft: When did your writing become public?
“August 30, 1998, about seven and a half weeks after Denny died. The night I made apple butter.”
Apple Butter for Denny is one of the short stories in Dancing in my Nightgown.
“ The next morning, I started editing it. I had to get notebook paper. That was the beginning. Three months later I wrote, “Never Stop Moving.” I learned to use the computer and get email. Then I learned how to send attachments. And I sent the stories to people, and eventually to publications. When the first one was published, I was beside myself. It was mid 1999 when the publishing bug bit me.”
“A year and a half after Denny died, Betty says she began to feel like a new person. She developed a greater sense of autonomy. She says, “ I realized I was moving on.” She laughs, “I started wearing makeup again. That was when I met the carpet man. “
The Carpet Man is one of the stories in Dancing in my Nightgown.
LitCraft: How has your life changed since the book came out?
“I went on to discover what I could do on my own. It became really important to me.”
“My path was crossing with women who read the book and were grateful for it. What we all have in common is that we’re responsible – our social lives are up to us. People don’t know what to say to you when you’re a widow, for a lot of reasons. I think I’ve only been invited twice to socialize with couples. No fault of friends; we’re in an odd category.
LitCraft: What would you say to new widows?
It’s hard work. You have to embrace the pain. It hurts. If it’s too painful, get out of the house. Re-invest your emotional energy. You should stay put for at least a year; don’t run away. Get involved in something new or something you love. I cried when I felt like it. Joining a health club helped me enormously.
LitCraft: How would you describe the following from your new perspective?
Cooking? Betty giggles. “I didn’t. I ate cookies and milk.”
Travel? “I did, with family. It was hard, but I did it anyway. At night I’d cry in my room.”
Technology? “I learned to put gas in my car.”
Sex? ”Sex? Sex? You mean s-e-x? I bought a vibrator. I wasn’t ready to give up orgasms. If you don’t use it you lose it. This thing about sex is way bigger. No one thins that older people desire sex. This is changing. People are more aware. It’s like a renaissance with older people coming out of the woodwork.”
Household maintenance? “It just went. All that mattered was writing. It was the most rewarding thing I’d ever done.”
Betty’s books are available at BettyAuchard.com. The Home for the Friendless is due out this fall. She is available for speaking engagements. Contact her at btauchard@aol.com.
Betty will attend California Writers Club’s fall retreat at Pema Osel Ling in the Santa Cruz mountains in California this fall. Openings are still available for writers. For information about the 2-day retreat, contact deking8@msn.com.
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